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Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired.
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Why do fish avoid computers?
They're afraid of the net.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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Why was the math book sad?
It had too many problems.
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What do you call a cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese.
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Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
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What do you call a factory that sells pastrami?
A deli-catessen.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
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How does a train eat?
It goes chew-chew.
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What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
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Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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Why did the baker go to therapy?
He kneaded it.
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How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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Why was the computer so cold?
It left its Windows open.
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What do you call a mountain with a garden?
A hill with a veggie patch.
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Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
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What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
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Why don't scientists trust atoms?
They make up everything.
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How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
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Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
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Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
They'd be bagels.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
So-fish-ticated.
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Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
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What do you call a snake that builds houses?
A boa constrictor.
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Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed.
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How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
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What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
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Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
To reach the high notes.
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What do you call a bear without a friend?
A lone bear.
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Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
It felt crumby.
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What do you call a tree that fits in your hand?
A palm tree.
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Why did the frog call his insurance company?
He had a jump in his car.
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
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Why don't sheep count themselves?
They're afraid of shepherds.
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How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
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What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
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Why did the clock get arrested?
For hands on the hour.
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
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Why did the mushroom go to the party?
He was a fun-guy.
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How does a snowman get around?
By riding an icicle.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
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Why did the bicycle get a ticket?
It was two-tired from speeding.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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What do you call a pig that does laundry?
A hamper.
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Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
He was stuffed.
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How does a rocket stay healthy?
It runs on a balanced diet of fuel.
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What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman.
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Why did the phone get glasses?
It lost its contacts.
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What do you call a bear that sits on ice?
A polar bear with a cold.
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Why did the math teacher break up with the calculator?
Too many problems.
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How do you catch a baseball game?
Use a glove.
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What do you call a nervous cowboy?
A basket case.
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Why did the egg hide?
It was a chicken.
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What do you call a dinosaur with a strong vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
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Why did the firefly get a ticket?
It was glowing in the dark.
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How does a little mermaid clean her fins?
With a seahorse.
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What do you call a dog that can count?
A retriever.
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Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
It ran out of juice.
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What do you call a bear that dances?
A boogie bear.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
It felt crummy.
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What do you call a fake stone?
A sham rock.
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Why did the football team go to the bank?
To get their quarterback.
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How do you find a missing train?
Follow the tracks.
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What do you call a pig that flies?
A ham-plane.
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field.
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How does a penguin feel after a bath?
A little chilly.
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What do you call a bear that's always in a hurry?
A bearly there.
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Why did the broom get a ticket?
It was sweeping the street.
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How do you make a lemon drop?
Let it fall.
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What do you call a cow with a bell?
A moo-sician.
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Why did the banana go to the party?
To split.
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What do you call a dog that can play the piano?
A Labracadabrador.
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How do you catch a cloud?
Use a net.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.
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What do you call a fish that knows karate?
A sock fish.
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Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus.
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How do you make a squirrel happy?
Give it a nutcracker.
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What do you call a bear with a sore throat?
A bedraggled bear.
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Why did the banana go to the beach?
To get a tan.
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What do you call a cow that's a good listener?
A moo-tual friend.
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How does a lion greet other animals?
Pleased to eat you.
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Why did the clock go to the gym?
To get its tick in shape.
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Why did the math book look so sad?
It had too many problems.
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How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut off its nose.