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Why did Harry Potter's broomstick break?
It had a Quidditch fracture.
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What do you call a wizard who can't pay his rent?
A dead-beat wizard.
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Why did Voldemort use a fake name?
Because his real one was too He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
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Why did Hermione bring a ladder to the library?
Because she wanted to reach the high shelves.
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What's Draco Malfoy's favorite type of music?
Slytherin.
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Why did Dumbledore always bring his socks to staff meetings?
He liked to keep his feet in the Order of the Phoenix.
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Why did Harry Potter go to the dentist?
He had a bit of a snitch in his tooth.
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How does Ron Weasley eat his breakfast?
In one Gryffindor.
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Why did Hagrid open a bakery?
Because he loved making treacle tarts.
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What spell did Harry use to clean his room?
He used Scourgify, not Levicorpus.
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Why did the Sorting Hat go to therapy?
It was tired of judging people.
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What's the password to the Gryffindor common room?
'Lion's share.'
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Why did Voldemort lose his phone?
He couldn't find his Horcrux.
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How does Professor Snape grade papers?
With patience and a dash of sarcasm.
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Why did the golden snitch get a ticket?
It was speeding.
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What did Harry Potter say when he saw a ghost?
'Boo-ring.'
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Why did Dobby the house elf get a job?
He needed some sock money.
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What's Professor McGonagall's favorite chocolate?
A cat-shaped one.
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Why did the students dislike the new math teacher?
He kept trying to divide by zero.
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How does Harry Potter open his mail?
With a Lumos letter opener.
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Why did the basilisk cross the road?
To get to the other side of the Chamber of Secrets.
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What's the best way to catch a niffler?
With a glittery trap.
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Why did Neville's plant bloom so early?
It was a high-maintenance plant.
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What do you call a wizard who can't do magic?
A muggle.
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Why did the werewolf go to the Quidditch match?
He heard they would be howling.
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Why did Professor Flitwick carry a ruler?
To measure the height of spells.
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What's the Weasley family's favorite board game?
Monopoly, because they're always in debt.
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Why did Luna Lovegood wear a radish earring?
To ward off Nargles.
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What did Voldemort say to the Death Eaters?
'You can call me Tom.'
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Why did Harry refuse to play chess with Ron?
Ron always cast a checkmate spell.
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How does Sirius Black greet his friends?
'What's the dog doing?'
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What's the worst subject at Hogwarts?
Defense Against the Dark Arts—unpredictable teachers.
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Why did the polyjuice potion taste like goblin snot?
Bad boomslang skin batch.
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What did Harry say when he learned Parseltongue?
'It's snake to meet you.'
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Why did the Dursleys hate Harry?
He cast a shadow over their perfect life.
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What do you call a wizard who plays video games?
A controller of magic.
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Why did the Sorting Ceremony take so long?
The hat couldn't decide between Hufflepuff and Hufflegruff.
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How does Dumbledore get his beard so long?
He uses a growth charm.
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Why did the house-elves unionize?
For better wages and head protection.
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What's the most dangerous spell at Hogwarts?
Expelliarmus—you disarm and walk into a wall.
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Why did Moaning Myrtle cry in the bathroom?
She couldn't get a date to the Yule Ball.
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What did the centaur say to the unicorn?
'You look like a horse with a horn.'
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Why did the gigantic squid blush?
It saw the mermaid's tail.
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How does Harry Potter make his tea?
With a drop of Felix Felicis.
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What's the best way to deal with a boggart?
Laugh and use Riddikulus.
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Why did the time-turner get tangled?
It tried to rewind too many hours.
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What did Ron say when he was hungry?
'I could eat a Hippogriff.'
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Why did the wand choose the wizard?
It didn't want to be a lone stick.
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What's Hagrid's favorite music genre?
Rock, but he likes a good Hippogriff beat.
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Why did the students love feasts?
Great spread of magic.