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Why did the white guy put his phone in the freezer?
He wanted a cool ringtone.
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What do you call a white family reunion?
A mayonnaise tasting.
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Why do white girls wear their hair in a bun?
To keep their secrets in the knot.
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How does a white dad say goodbye?
He waves with both hands while backing out of the driveway.
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Why don't white people bring ketchup to a barbecue?
They already have enough seasoning in their lives.
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What's a white person's favorite dance move?
The side-to-side sway at a concert.
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Why did the white hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool enough.
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What do you call a white guy with a trust fund?
A bank of the future.
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Why do white people love pumpkin spice?
It’s the only spice they can handle.
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How many white people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he’ll call his dad first to check the wattage.
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What’s a white suburban mom’s favorite season?
Happy hour.
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Why did the white kid get a C in history?
He forgot to add the cream cheese.
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What do white people eat for breakfast?
Avocado toast and a side of generational wealth.
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Why do white fathers wear cargo shorts?
To carry all their unsolicited advice.
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What’s a white guy’s favorite pickup line?
'Do you come here often?' while standing in his own driveway.
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Why do white people grill with the lid up?
They want to see their food lose its flavor.
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What’s the whitest thing you can say?
'I’m not racist, but…' then proceed to list stereotypes.
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Why did the white couple adopt a shelter dog?
It matched their neutral color palette.
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How does a white person order coffee?
'I’ll have a breve, half-caff, no foam, extra hot, with a hint of entitlement.'
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What do you call a white person who loves tacos?
A culinary tourist.
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Why do white people wear shorts and sandals in winter?
Because they’re too proud to admit they’re cold.
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What’s a white kid’s favorite sport?
Lacrosse, because it’s like hockey but with more prep school.
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Why did the white man cross the road?
To get to the other side of his gated community.
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What do you call a white person with a tan?
Suspicious.
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Why do white people say 'bless your heart'?
It’s their favorite passive-aggressive move.
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What’s a white person’s emergency snack?
A cheese plate.
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Why did the white teenager get a tattoo?
To prove they have a personality.
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How do white people say 'I love you'?
'I made you a reservation at 6.'
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What’s the whitest thing in a home?
The walls, the trim, the couch, and the parents’ opinions.
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Why do white guys love dad jokes?
Because they’re the only ones they can tell without getting canceled.
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What do you call a white person who can dance?
An anomaly.
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Why did the white girl bring a sweater to the beach?
She didn’t want to risk getting a 'farmer's tan.'
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How does a white family handle conflict?
They passive-aggressively decorate for the holidays.
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What’s a white man’s favorite accessory?
A pair of aviators he hasn't taken off since 1997.
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Why do white people love organic food?
It costs more, so it must be better.
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What do you call a white guy who works out?
A main character in a Netflix documentary.
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Why did the white mom buy a new minivan?
Her old one didn’t have enough cup holders for her white wine.
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How do white people apologize?
They post a vague Instagram story about growth.
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What’s a white person’s favorite condiment?
Mayonnaise, because ketchup is 'too ethnic.'
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Why do white people use so many throw pillows?
To hide the fact that they have no actual personality.
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What do you call a white guy who can cook?
A chef.
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Why did the white family name their dog 'Max'?
Because 'Baxter' felt too adventurous.
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What’s the whitest hobby?
Crafting a charcuterie board while listening to NPR.
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How does a white person react to criticism?
They call their therapist and then post about their 'journey.'
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Why do white people love leggings?
They’re the only pants that can contain their entitlement.
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What’s a white dad’s favorite word?
'Actually,' followed by a correction nobody asked for.
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Why did the white woman return her new phone?
It came in a color that didn’t match her aesthetic.
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How do white people show wealth?
They have a second home that’s just a storage unit.
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What’s the whitest question at a party?
'Where did you summer?'
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Why do white people love seasons?
They change just as often as their opinions.