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Why did your mama bring a ladder to the bar?
Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
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What did your mama say when she saw the moon?
“That’s nothing—I’ve got a bigger one at home!”
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Why is your mama like a snowflake?
Because if she falls, everyone runs for cover.
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How does your mama answer the door?
She doesn’t—it takes her three days to get off the couch.
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Why did your mama get a job at the circus?
To be the human cannonball, but they said no—too much recoil.
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What’s your mama’s favorite song?
“All About That Bass”—she wrote it.
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Why did your mama paint her toenails red?
So she can hide in the cherry patch and scare the birds.
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How does your mama exercise?
She lifts the refrigerator to get to the snack drawer.
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Why did your mama cross the road?
To get to the other side—it took her all day.
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What do you call your mama when she’s on a diet?
A work in progress… with a shovel.
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Why does your mama love bowling?
Because she can use her stomach as a bumper.
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How does your mama count to ten?
On one hand: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… then the other hand’s fingers are too far away.
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What did the waiter say when your mama ordered a salad?
“That’ll be the appetizer—right?”
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Why did your mama get a GPS?
To find her way from the bed to the fridge at night.
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How does your mama make coffee?
She pours hot water over a bag of grounds and calls it soup.
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Why is your mama like a penguin?
She can’t fly, but she waddles fast when food is near.
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What’s your mama’s favorite board game?
Hungry Hungry Hippos—she plays the hippo.
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Why did your mama go to the dentist?
To get a bigger gap between her teeth for a straw.
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How does your mama prop open a door?
She stands in the doorway—both sides touch.
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What did your mama name her pet rock?
“Lunchbox.”
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Why did your mama buy a trampoline?
So she can bounce to the mailbox without walking.
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How does your mama cut her steak?
With a chainsaw—tenderizes it too.
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Why does your mama wear a belt?
To keep her pants from sliding down her hips… no, wait—to keep her pants from sliding up her stomach.
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What’s your mama’s favorite exercise equipment?
The couch—she does the remote curl.
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Why did your mama get a job at the bakery?
Because she kneads the dough—literally.
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How does your mama answer the phone?
She yells “Hello” so loud the receiver shakes.
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Why does your mama carry a map?
In case she gets lost between the kitchen and the living room.
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What's your mama's favorite TV show?
“My 600-lb Life”—she calls it a documentary.
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Why did your mama buy a boat?
To float in the bathtub and pretend she’s on vacation.
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How does your mama make a bed?
She sleeps on it and calls it “broken in.”
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Why did your mama get a divorce from the refrigerator?
It was too possessive—always holding her food.
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What did your mama say when she saw a scale?
“I’m not stepping on that—it might break.”
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Why is your mama like a volcano?
She erupts every time she tries to get up from a chair.
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How does your mama sort her laundry?
She sits on the pile and separates by smell.
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Why does your mama never use stairs?
She prefers the elevator… that is, the couch.
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What’s your mama’s secret ingredient in cooking?
Gravity—everything falls off the spoon into the pot.
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Why did your mama buy a foghorn?
To announce when the pizza arrives.
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How does your mama clean the house?
She sprays everything with air freshener and calls it done.
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Why does your mama always leave the lights on?
She’s afraid of the dark… and also of tripping over her own feet.
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What did the mirror say to your mama?
“I need a wider frame.”
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Why did your mama go to the zoo?
To find a hippopotamus that weighs less than she does.
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How does your mama catch a ball?
She opens her mouth and waits for it to fall in.
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Why does your mama hate escalators?
They keep trying to tell her “step aside.”
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What’s your mama’s favorite kind of math?
Pie-ometry.
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Why did your mama stop using a smartphone?
The screen kept cracking under her thumb pressure.
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How does your mama take a selfie?
She uses a drone—and still only gets half her face.
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Why did your mama get a tattoo of a potato?
So she could be “couch potato” officially.
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What does your mama call a salad?
Something to hide the fries under.
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Why is your mama’s car always low on gas?
She uses it to get to the drive-thru and back.
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How does your mama break an ice cube?
She sits on it—turns into a puddle instantly.