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Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
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Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
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Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it had too many problems.
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What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain.
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Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
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I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
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Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because it was stuffed.
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What do you call a factory that sells generally okay products?
A satis-factory.
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Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
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Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left.
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
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Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
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Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
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What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman.
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Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He took a day off.
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
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Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To talk to the other side.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
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Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash.
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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I told my computer I needed a break.
Now it won't stop sending me vacation ads.
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Why did the couple go to the gym together?
They wanted to work on their relationship.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
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Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything — and they never stop splitting.
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I asked my date if she wanted to hear a joke about a roof. She said, 'I don't get it.' I said, 'That's because it's over your head.'
I asked my date if she wanted to hear a joke about a roof. She said, 'I don't get it.' I said, 'That's because it's over your head.'
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Why did the adult get a second job?
To afford more avocado toast.
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What's the difference between a pizza and a lawyer?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
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I'm reading a book on the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
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Why did the man name his car 'Lemon'?
Because it always leaves a sour taste in his mouth.
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What do you call a bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
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Why did the adult go to bed early?
Because his alarm clock was set to 'snooze' and he wanted to start the battle early.
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I told my boss I needed a raise. He said, 'I'll give you a raise… in your blood pressure.'
I told my boss I needed a raise. He said, 'I'll give you a raise… in your blood pressure.'
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What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie?
So-fish-ticated.
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Why did the programmer go broke?
Because he used up all his cache.
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I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new restaurant. She said, 'I'm not sure, I think I've already been there in a dream.' I said, 'That sounds like deja-brew.'
I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new restaurant. She said, 'I'm not sure, I think I've already been there in a dream.' I said, 'That sounds like deja-brew.'
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Why don't adults play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding when you have a mortgage.
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What do you call a fake noodle that tells jokes?
A laugh-impasta.
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Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house.
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I'm on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it — but only if it's cooked.
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Why did the married couple start a band?
They wanted to harmonize their arguments.
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What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman — and he's very fit.
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Why did the adult go to the doctor?
Because he felt like a million bucks — but it was all in loose change.
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I told my friend I was going to start a business selling camouflage. He said, 'That's a terrible idea. I can't see it working.'
I told my friend I was going to start a business selling camouflage. He said, 'That's a terrible idea. I can't see it working.'
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
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Why did the adult take up gardening?
He wanted to grow his own patience.
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What do you call a dinosaur that sleeps all day?
A dino-snore.
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I asked my date if she had a map. She said, 'No, why?
' I said, 'Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.' She said, 'That's a terrible pickup line.' I said, 'It worked, didn't it?'
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Why did the adult bring a pencil to the party?
In case he needed to draw a conclusion.
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What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.
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Why did the adult go to the art museum?
He wanted to see the Mona Lisa's smile — and then realize his own dentist bills.
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I told my wife I was going to build a time machine. She said, 'Great, then you can go back to when you used to take out the trash.'
I told my wife I was going to build a time machine. She said, 'Great, then you can go back to when you used to take out the trash.'
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud — but it can't move.
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Why did the adult get a tattoo of a calendar?
To remind himself he's getting older every day.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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I asked my boss for a raise. He said, 'I'll give you a raise… in your expectations.'
I asked my boss for a raise. He said, 'I'll give you a raise… in your expectations.'
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Why did the adult buy a new phone?
Because his old one kept 'calling' his ex.
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What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A labracadabrador.
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Why did the adult go to the bakery?
He heard they had a new 'loaf' of love.
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I told my friend I was feeling depressed about my age. He said, 'Don't worry, you're just vintage.'
I told my friend I was feeling depressed about my age. He said, 'Don't worry, you're just vintage.'
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What do you call a fish that's always right?
A know-it-all-gae.
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Why did the adult take his wife to the casino?
He wanted to gamble on their marriage — and lose everything.
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What do you call a bear that's always on time?
A punctual bear — but that's just a grizzly myth.
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Why did the adult go to the gym?
He wanted to pump iron — and then complain about it.
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What do you call a sheep that's always in a hurry?
A rushing ewe.
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I asked my date if she wanted to hear a joke about a broken pencil. She said, 'No, that's pointless.' I said, 'Exactly.'
I asked my date if she wanted to hear a joke about a broken pencil. She said, 'No, that's pointless.' I said, 'Exactly.'
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Why did the adult start a podcast?
He wanted to hear himself talk — and get paid for it.
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What do you call a cat that's a lawyer?
A purr-ralegal.
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Why did the adult bring a map to the bar?
He heard there was a 'beer' trail.
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What do you call a dinosaur that's a comedian?
A thesaurus — he always has a good thesaurus of jokes.
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Why did the adult become a comedian?
Because he wanted to make people laugh — at his own misery.