0
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
0
My grandfather's last words were: 'Are you still holding the ladder?'
My grandfather's last words were: 'Are you still holding the ladder?'
0
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me, 'Make yourself at home.' So I threw him out.
I hate having company.
0
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years.
Problem solved.
0
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
0
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
0
I was digging in the garden and found a treasure chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
0
I told my boss I needed a raise because my wife was getting too expensive. He said, 'No, she's not.' I said, 'Yes, she is. She just bought a new car with my raise.'
I told my boss I needed a raise because my wife was getting too expensive. He said, 'No, she's not.' I said, 'Yes, she is. She just bought a new car with my raise.'
0
My wife is so mad at me that she's refusing to sleep in the same bed.
I had to sleep in the same bed and pretend she wasn't there.
0
I have a stepladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
0
I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
0
My friend asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral. I said, 'No, thanks. I'd rather stay here and wait for him.'
My friend asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral. I said, 'No, thanks. I'd rather stay here and wait for him.'
0
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a lipstick.
She's still not talking to me.
0
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
There's a difference.
0
I was at the grocery store and saw a man with one arm. I asked him, 'Do you need help?
' He said, 'No, I just have one arm.'
0
My doctor told me I have a weak heart. I said, 'That's a load off my mind.' He said, 'No, it's a load on your heart.'
My doctor told me I have a weak heart. I said, 'That's a load off my mind.' He said, 'No, it's a load on your heart.'
0
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
0
I told my friend that I was going to start a band called 'The Deadly Sins.' He said, 'That's a bit dark.' I said, 'That's the point.'
I told my friend that I was going to start a band called 'The Deadly Sins.' He said, 'That's a bit dark.' I said, 'That's the point.'
0
I got a new job as a telemarketer. I call people and ask if they want to buy a plot of land.
So far, I've sold 30 plots in the same cemetery.
0
I used to be a baker.
But I couldn't make enough dough.
0
My father was a mortician. He told me, 'Son, in this business, you learn to think outside the box.'
My father was a mortician. He told me, 'Son, in this business, you learn to think outside the box.'
0
I have a coin collection.
It's not worth much, but it's a lot of coins.
0
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
0
I told my girlfriend that I loved her more than life itself. She said, 'Thanks, but can you prove it?'
I told my girlfriend that I loved her more than life itself. She said, 'Thanks, but can you prove it?'
0
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far I've finished two bags of chips and a chocolate bar.
0
I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
0
I think my wife is cheating on me. The other day, I found a receipt for a hotel room. I asked her, 'What's this?
' She said, 'I don't know, what's it to you?'
0
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He said, 'Well, stop going to those places.'
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He said, 'Well, stop going to those places.'
0
My grandpa's last words were: 'Are you still holding the ladder?'
My grandpa's last words were: 'Are you still holding the ladder?'
0
I used to be a programmer. Then I got a job writing code for a hospital.
Now I'm a programmer who writes code that kills people.
0
I have a collection of sea shells.
I keep them on the shores of my mind.
0
I went to a psychic and asked her about my future. She said, 'You'll die alone.' I said, 'That's not very specific.' She said, 'Okay, you'll die alone on a Tuesday.'
I went to a psychic and asked her about my future. She said, 'You'll die alone.' I said, 'That's not very specific.' She said, 'Okay, you'll die alone on a Tuesday.'
0
I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but she burned water the other day.
I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but she burned water the other day.
0
I have a fear of elevators.
I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
0
I told my boss that I need a raise. He said, 'Why?
' I said, 'Because my wife is getting too expensive.' He said, 'No, she's not.' I said, 'Yes, she is. She just bought a new car with my raise.'
0
I used to be a lawyer.
But I couldn't stand the sight of blood.
0
I asked my friend if he wanted to go to the funeral. He said, 'No, thanks. I'd rather stay here and wait for him.'
I asked my friend if he wanted to go to the funeral. He said, 'No, thanks. I'd rather stay here and wait for him.'
0
I have a lot of respect for my grandfather.
He taught me how to drive, how to fish, and how to die.
0
I went to a restaurant that serves 'any kind of sandwich.' So I asked for a ham sandwich. They said, 'Sorry, we're out of ham.'
I went to a restaurant that serves 'any kind of sandwich.' So I asked for a ham sandwich. They said, 'Sorry, we're out of ham.'
0
I'm reading a book about mazes.
I got lost in it.
0
I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Then she fell off a cliff.
0
I used to be a firefighter.
But I couldn't handle the heat.
0
I have a problem with addiction.
I'm addicted to being right.
0
I went to a doctor and told him I had a headache. He said, 'You've got a head.' I said, 'That's not helping.'
I went to a doctor and told him I had a headache. He said, 'You've got a head.' I said, 'That's not helping.'
0
I told my cat that I was going to the store. She said, 'Okay, but don't forget to come back.' I never came back.
She's still waiting.
0
I have a fear of the dark.
But I'm slowly coming to terms with it.
0
I used to be a lumberjack.
But I couldn't cut it.
0
I asked my dog if he wanted to go for a walk. He said, 'No, I want to stay here and sleep.' So I left him.
He's still sleeping.
0
I told my friend that I was going to start a band called 'The Deadly Sins.' He said, 'That's a bit dark.' I said, 'That's the point.' He said, 'Okay, but what about the seventh sin?
' I said, 'We'll cover that later.'
0
I have a lot of respect for my father. He taught me how to be a man.
Then he died, and I had to learn how to be a man on my own.
0
I went to a restaurant and ordered a steak. The waiter asked, 'How would you like it cooked?
' I said, 'Rare.' He said, 'How rare?' I said, 'Still mooing.'
0
I used to be a farmer. But I couldn't grow anything. So I became a landscaper.
Now I just grow things for other people.
0
I have a collection of antique watches. They're all broken.
But I still think they're beautiful.
0
I told my therapist that I had a fear of commitment. She said, 'That's okay. You don't have to commit to me.' I said, 'I know. That's why I'm here.'
I told my therapist that I had a fear of commitment. She said, 'That's okay. You don't have to commit to me.' I said, 'I know. That's why I'm here.'
0
I used to be a mathematician.
But I couldn't count on anyone.
0
I have a fear of spiders. But I'm getting over it. I named one of them 'Fred.'
I have a fear of spiders. But I'm getting over it. I named one of them 'Fred.'
0
I told my wife I was going to the store to buy milk. She said, 'Okay, but don't forget to come back.' I never came back.
She's still waiting.
0
I used to be a pilot. But I couldn't fly. So I became a bus driver.
Now I drive people around on the ground.
0
I have a lot of respect for my grandfather. He taught me how to live.
Then he died, and I had to learn how to live without him.
0
I went to a doctor and told him I had a cough. He said, 'You've got a cold.' I said, 'No, it's just a cough.' He said, 'Okay, you've got a cough.'
I went to a doctor and told him I had a cough. He said, 'You've got a cold.' I said, 'No, it's just a cough.' He said, 'Okay, you've got a cough.'
0
I told my friend that I was going to start a band called 'The Deadly Sins.' He said, 'That's a bit dark.' I said, 'That's the point.' He said, 'Okay, but what about the seventh sin?
' I said, 'We'll cover that later.' He said, 'That's not a sin.'
0
I have a fear of heights. But I'm working on it. I'm taking small steps.
Like standing on a chair.
0
I used to be a chef. But I couldn't take the heat. So I became a dishwasher.
Now I just take the heat.
0
I have a collection of old books. They're all about death.
I find them comforting.
0
I told my wife I was going to the store to buy cigarettes. She said, 'Okay, but don't forget to come back.' I never came back. She's still waiting.
But I'm dead now.
0
I used to be a teacher. But I couldn't control the class. So I became a principal.
Now I control the whole school.
0
I have a lot of respect for my father. He taught me how to be strong.
Then he died, and I had to be strong on my own.
0
I went to a restaurant and ordered a pizza. The waiter asked, 'What size?
' I said, 'Large.' He said, 'What toppings?' I said, 'Everything.' He said, 'Even anchovies?' I said, 'Especially anchovies.'
0
I told my therapist that I had a fear of failure. She said, 'That's okay. You don't have to succeed at everything.' I said, 'I know. But I still want to.'
I told my therapist that I had a fear of failure. She said, 'That's okay. You don't have to succeed at everything.' I said, 'I know. But I still want to.'
0
I used to be a comedian. But I couldn't make anyone laugh. So I became a mortician.
Now I make people laugh at funerals.
0
I have a fear of loud noises. But I'm getting used to it.
I listen to metal music.
0
I told my wife that I was going to the store to buy a lottery ticket. She said, 'Okay, but don't forget to come back.' I never came back. I won the lottery and moved to a tropical island.
She's still waiting.
0
I used to be a detective. But I couldn't solve any cases. So I became a criminal.
Now I create cases.
0
I have a lot of respect for my grandfather. He taught me how to fish.
Then he died, and I had to fish without him.
0
I went to a doctor and told him I had a stomach ache. He said, 'You've got gas.' I said, 'No, it's just a stomach ache.' He said, 'Okay, you've got a stomach ache.'
I went to a doctor and told him I had a stomach ache. He said, 'You've got gas.' I said, 'No, it's just a stomach ache.' He said, 'Okay, you've got a stomach ache.'
0
I told my friend that I was going to start a band called 'The Deadly Sins.' He said, 'That's a bit dark.' I said, 'That's the point.' He said, 'Okay, but what about the seventh sin?
' I said, 'We'll cover that later.' He said, 'That's not a sin.' I said, 'It is if you do it wrong.'
0
I have a fear of the unknown. But I'm learning to embrace it.
I watch horror movies.
0
I used to be a doctor. But I couldn't save anyone. So I became a mortician.
Now I just prepare them for burial.
0
I have a collection of old keys. I don't know what they open.
But I keep them anyway.
0
I told my wife I was going to the store to buy a new car. She said, 'Okay, but don't forget to come back.' I never came back. I bought a car and drove away.
She's still waiting.
0
I used to be a lawyer. But I couldn't win any cases. So I became a judge.
Now I just decide who wins.
0
I have a lot of respect for my father. He taught me how to be honest.
Then he died, and I had to be honest with myself.
0
I went to a restaurant and ordered a steak. The waiter asked, 'How would you like it cooked?
' I said, 'Medium rare.' He said, 'How medium rare?' I said, 'Still pink.'
0
I told my therapist that I had a fear of intimacy. She said, 'That's okay. You don't have to get close to anyone.' I said, 'I know. But I still want to.'
I told my therapist that I had a fear of intimacy. She said, 'That's okay. You don't have to get close to anyone.' I said, 'I know. But I still want to.'
0
I used to be a firefighter. But I couldn't save anyone. So I became an arsonist.
Now I create fires.
0
I have a fear of drowning. But I'm getting over it.
I take swimming lessons.
0
I told my wife that I was going to the store to buy a new phone. She said, 'Okay, but don't forget to come back.' I never came back. I bought a phone and called her from a different number.
She's still waiting.
0
I used to be a teacher. But I couldn't teach anyone. So I became a student.
Now I just learn.
0
I have a lot of respect for my grandfather. He taught me how to tell stories.
Then he died, and I had to tell his stories.
0
I went to a doctor and told him I had a rash. He said, 'You've got a rash.' I said, 'I know. What do I do?
' He said, 'Put some cream on it.'
0
I told my friend that I was going to start a band called 'The Deadly Sins.' He said, 'That's a bit dark.' I said, 'That's the point.' He said, 'Okay, but what about the seventh sin?
' I said, 'We'll cover that later.' He said, 'That's not a sin.' I said, 'It is if you do it wrong.' He said, 'You're weird.'
0
I have a fear of flying. But I'm working on it.
I take Xanax.
0
I used to be a chef. But I couldn't cook. So I became a waiter.
Now I just serve food.
0
I have a collection of old photographs. They're all of people I don't know.
But I keep them anyway.
0
I told my wife that I was going to the store to buy a new watch. She said, 'Okay, but don't forget to come back.' I never came back. I bought a watch and set it to a different time zone.
She's still waiting.
0
I used to be a detective. But I couldn't find anyone. So I became a missing person.
Now I'm lost.
0
I have a lot of respect for my father. He taught me how to be kind.
Then he died, and I had to be kind to myself.
0
I went to a restaurant and ordered a salad. The waiter asked, 'What kind of dressing?
' I said, 'Ranch.' He said, 'Ranch?' I said, 'Yes, ranch.' He said, 'Are you sure?' I said, 'Yes, I'm sure.'