0
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
0
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
0
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
0
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
0
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
0
I would tell you a joke about a pencil, but it’s not very sharp.
I would tell you a joke about a pencil, but it’s not very sharp.
0
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
0
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
0
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
0
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
0
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
0
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I’m slowly getting over it.
0
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.
0
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired.
0
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
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I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
0
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
So-fish-ticated.
0
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she’ll let it go.
0
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
0
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it had too many problems.
0
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
0
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
0
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
0
What do you call a factory that sells generally OK products?
A satis-factory.
0
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
0
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
0
Why do we never tell secrets on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
0
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
0
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
0
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
0
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
0
I told my computer I needed a break.
Now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.
0
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
0
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman.
0
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired.
0
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
0
Where do fruits go on vacation?
Pear-is.
0
I asked my dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
0
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
0
I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.
0
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a trampoline and a well-dressed man on a trampoline?
Attire.
0
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just wanted a little space.
0
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
0
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
0
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
0
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
0
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
0
Why did the man throw his clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
0
What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty.
0
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash.
0
I used to be a trainer, but I couldn’t keep my clients in line.
I used to be a trainer, but I couldn’t keep my clients in line.
0
Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
0
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
0
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
0
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
0
Why don’t programmers like nature?
It has too many bugs.
0
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.
0
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
0
What do you call a group of unorganized cats?
A cat-astrophe.
0
Why did the music teacher go to jail?
Because she got caught with a sharp.
0
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
0
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
0
Why did the man stare at the orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
0
I used to be a fish, but I got hooked on a new career.
I used to be a fish, but I got hooked on a new career.
0
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
0
Why did the gardener quit his job?
His celery wasn’t high enough.
0
Why did the man put his money in the blender?
He wanted to make liquid assets.
0
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
0
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
0
I have a joke about a triangle, but it’s pointless.
I have a joke about a triangle, but it’s pointless.
0
What do you call a bear that’s stuck in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
0
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
They make up everything.
0
How do you apologize to a bee?
Say 'sorry for the buzz'.
0
What’s the difference between a pizza and an opinion?
I’ll have the pizza, thanks.
0
Why did the man run around his bed?
To catch up on his sleep.
0
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener.
0
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice.
0
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
0
Why did the father take his son to see the new movie?
Because it was rated 'Parental Guidance'.
0
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
0
Why did the man put his watch in the blender?
He wanted to make time fly.
0
What do you call a bear with no ears?
A bear without ears.
0
Why did the math teacher break up with the history teacher?
They had too many differences.
0
How do you make a holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
0
What do you call a duck that’s in a hurry?
A quack pack.
0
Why did the man tape his cat to the wall?
To see if he could hang out with it.
0
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain.
0
Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house.
0
What do you call a bear that’s always in trouble?
A grizzly bear.
0
Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He took a day off.
0
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
0
Why did the man put his phone in the toilet?
For a little change.
0
What do you call a sheep that can’t sleep?
A ba-a-a-a-ad sheep.
0
Why did the man hide his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold cash.
0
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A labracadabrador.
0
Why did the man put his car under the bed?
Because he wanted a quick getaway.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always late?
A slow-lax.
0
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have miniature anti-bodies.
0
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
0
Why did the man stop telling jokes about ice?
He couldn't handle the cold reception.
0
What do you call a cow that’s just been milked?
Udderly relaxed.
0
Why did the man put his watch in the freezer?
To see time stand still.
0
What do you call a bee that’s always complaining?
A grumble bee.
0
Why did the man put his money in the blender?
He wanted liquid assets.
0
What do you call a dog that’s a famous singer?
A Labra-doodle.
0
Why did the man eat his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
0
What do you call a man with a paper cut?
A doc-u-ment.
0
Why did the man put his phone in the fridge?
To get a cold call.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always late?
A tardy-owl.
0
Why did the man put his car in the oven?
To get a hot rod.
0
What do you call a bear that’s always in a hurry?
A rush-ly bear.
0
Why did the man put his socks in the freezer?
To keep his feet from sweating.
0
What do you call a cow that’s always dancing?
A bo-vi-ne.
0
Why did the man put his hat in the freezer?
To keep his head cool.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always in trouble?
A jail-bait.
0
Why did the man put his watch in the microwave?
To get a time change.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always fighting?
A bark-ore.
0
Why did the man put his shoes in the oven?
To get a hot foot.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always late?
A purr-crastinator.
0
Why did the man put his glasses in the freezer?
To see coldly.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always singing?
A tweet-heart.
0
Why did the man put his keys in the freezer?
To keep them cold-hard.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always stealing?
A klepto-fish.
0
Why did the man put his book in the freezer?
To get a cold read.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always sleeping?
A slumber-hound.
0
Why did the man put his shirt in the freezer?
To get a cold shoulder.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always climbing?
A tree-never.
0
Why did the man put his wallet in the freezer?
To freeze his assets.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always in a hurry?
A rush-robin.
0
Why did the man put his hat on the stove?
To get a hot head.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always talking?
A chat-fish.
0
Why did the man put his phone in the microwave?
To make a hot call.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always showing off?
A show-bark.
0
Why did the man put his socks on the stove?
To get hot feet.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always hiding?
A lurker-puss.
0
Why did the man put his watch in the oven?
To get time to rise.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always eating?
A glutton-gull.
0
Why did the man put his shoes in the fridge?
To get cool toes.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always dancing?
A bo-ggie-fish.
0
Why did the man put his book on the stove?
To get a hot story.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always digging?
A hole-y-woof.
0
Why did the man put his keys in the oven?
To get a hot lock.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always napping?
A doze-claw.
0
Why did the man put his phone in the freezer?
To get a cold line.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always running?
A fast-tailed.
0
Why did the man put his wallet on the stove?
To burn some cash.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always sleeping?
A snooze-fish.
0
Why did the man put his hat in the microwave?
To get a hot head.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always barking?
A yap-pet.
0
Why did the man put his socks in the microwave?
To get warm feet.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always purring?
A hum-meow.
0
Why did the man put his watch in the microwave?
To get time to heat up.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always pecking?
A peck-ham.
0
Why did the man put his shoes in the microwave?
To get hot soles.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always jumping?
A hop-per.
0
Why did the man put his book in the microwave?
To get a hot read.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always wagging?
A tail-wagger.
0
Why did the man put his keys in the microwave?
To get a hot ignition.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always staring?
A gaze-bo.
0
Why did the man put his phone on the stove?
To get a hot line.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always tweeting?
A tweet-er.
0
Why did the man put his wallet in the microwave?
To heat up his cash.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always swimming?
A fin-atic.
0
Why did the man put his hat in the microwave?
To warm up his head.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always playing fetch?
A fetch-er.
0
Why did the man put his socks in the oven?
To get toasty toes.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always scratching?
A claw-ver.
0
Why did the man put his watch on the stove?
To get time to bake.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always flying?
A wing-man.
0
Why did the man put his shoes on the stove?
To get hot feet.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always hiding?
A shy-fish.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always sniffing?
A nosy-hound.
0
Why did the man put his keys on the stove?
To get a hot unlock.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always chasing?
A tail-aholic.
0
Why did the man put his phone on the stove?
To get a hot call.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always building?
A nest-egg.
0
Why did the man put his wallet on the stove?
To heat up his funds.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always biting?
A nibbler.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always lying?
A fib-bark.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always meowing?
A chatter-box.
0
Why did the man put his watch on the stove?
To get time to cook.
0
Why did the man put his shoes on the stove?
To get hot soles.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always finning?
A wave-maker.
0
Why did the man put his book on the stove?
To get a hot page-turner.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always guarding?
A watch-woof.
0
Why did the man put his keys on the stove?
To get a hot start.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always cuddling?
A snuggle-puss.
0
Why did the man put his phone on the stove?
To get a hot connection.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always perching?
A roost-err.
0
Why did the man put his wallet on the stove?
To warm up his cash.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always gliding?
A smooth-fin.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always howling?
A moon-barker.
0
Why did the man put his socks on the stove?
To get toasty toes.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always licking?
A grooming-whiskers.
0
Why did the man put his watch on the stove?
To get time to simmer.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always migrating?
A fly-away.
0
What do you call a fish that’s always schooling?
A class-act.
0
Why did the man put his book on the stove?
To get a hot read.
0
What do you call a dog that’s always drooling?
A slobber-hound.
0
What do you call a cat that’s always playing with yarn?
A string-theory.
0
What do you call a bird that’s always nesting?
A twig-builder.
0
Why did the man put his wallet on the stove?
To heat up his money.