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Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What do you call fake spaghetti?
An impasta.
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon-aid.
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Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired.
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How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
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Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
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What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman.
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Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
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When two elephants fight, what do you get?
An elefight.
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How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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What do you call a factory that sells donuts?
A hole-sale donut business.
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Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it had the drumsticks.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
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What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain.
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Why did the mushroom get invited to every party?
Because he was a fun-gi.
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What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
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How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
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Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash.
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What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
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Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because it was already stuffed.
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
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How does a construction worker stay fit?
He does foundation exercises.
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Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
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Why are ghosts bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
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Why did the man run around his bed?
To catch up on his sleep.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
So-fish-ticated.
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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
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Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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Why did the piano get a ticket?
It was parked in a tow-zone.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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Why did the math teacher go to the beach?
To work on her tan-gerines.
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What do you call a bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
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Why did the bee get married?
Because it found its honey.
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What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
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Why did the robber take a bath?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
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What do you call a bird that sticks to everything?
A velcrow.
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How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten-tickles.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
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What do you call a train made of bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
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Why did the frog call his insurance company?
He had a jump in his car.
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What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious.
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Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus.
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What do you call a fish that's always correct?
A right-whale.
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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
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What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
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Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
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What do you call a person with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
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Why did the man throw his clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
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What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.
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Why did the baker go to therapy?
He kneaded the help.
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What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
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Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice.
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What do you call a monkey that loves potato chips?
A chipmunk.
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
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What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.
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Why did the apple pie go to the dentist?
It needed a filling.
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What do you call a cat that eats lemons?
A sourpuss.
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Why did the man get a job at the bakery?
He needed the dough.
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What do you call a lion that eats your sister?
A sibling riever.
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Why did the bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it was two-tired.
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What do you call a dog that can tell time?
A watch dog.
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Why did the man stare at the orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
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What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milkshake.
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Why did the frog go to the hospital?
He was croaking.
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What do you call a pig that does magic?
A hocus-pocus.
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What do you call a snake that builds houses?
A boa constructor.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?
To see how long he slept.
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What do you call a dinosaur that cracks jokes?
A compsognathus-humor.
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Why did the man put his head in the freezer?
He wanted a cold turkey sandwich.
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What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?
A chicken.
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Why did the scarecrow become a successful comedian?
He was outstanding in his field.
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
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Why did the man eat his watch?
He was killing time.
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What do you call a duck that steals?
A robber duck.
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Why did the motorcycle stop?
Because it was two-tired.
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What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
A moozician.
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Why did the ghost go to the party?
He thought it would be boo-zy.
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What do you call a dog that can't bark?
A mute-ation.
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Why did the belt get arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.
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What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor.
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?
It needed a root canal.
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What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop.