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Why did your mom bring a ladder to the barbeque?
Because she heard the steaks were so high they'd be over her head.
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Your mom is so strong, she can lift a car with one hand.
Too bad she can't lift a fork without dropping half the food.
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Your mom is so smart, she finished a crossword puzzle in five minutes.
Then she asked why the squares were all black and white.
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Why did your mom get a job at the bakery?
Because she kneads the dough almost as much as she kneads her friends for money.
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Your mom is so generous, she gave away all her spare tires.
Now she just uses the ones around her waist as spares.
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Your mom is so fast, she can run a marathon in under two hours.
But it takes her four hours to get from the couch to the fridge.
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Why did your mom put on two pairs of glasses?
Because she couldn't see her reflection in the spoon, let alone the stove.
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Your mom is so old, she remembers when the Dead Sea was just sick.
And she tells everyone about it until they feel sick too.
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Why did your mom join a dating app?
She wanted to find someone who could help her reach things on high shelves.
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Your mom is so tall, she has to duck under doorways.
But she still can't reach the top shelf without a stepstool because she's actually just average height.
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Your mom is so brave, she wrestled a bear.
The bear had to call for help after she sat on it.
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Why did your mom get a degree in theoretical physics?
To better understand how her weight fluctuates between two consecutive meals.
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Your mom is so beautiful, she makes the sun jealous.
But the moon is terrified because your mom keeps covering it with her shadow.
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Your mom is so rich, she has a money tree in her backyard.
Too bad all the leaves are borrowed.
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Why did your mom paint her house pink?
Because the neighbors said she had a pretty face and she wanted to match.
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Your mom is so musical, she can play the piano with her nose.
But only if you hold the sheet music upside down.
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Why did your mom cross the road?
Because the chicken told her there was a free buffet on the other side.
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Your mom is so organized, she has a color-coded calendar for her belches.
Green means 'satisfied', red means 'get out of the room'.
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Why did your mom become a beekeeper?
She wanted to make honey, but the bees just kept avoiding her because she's too sour.
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Your mom is so witty, she has a PhD in sarcasm.
Her thesis was on how your dad's hairline has receded further than her marriage prospects.
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Why did your mom get an award for navigation?
Because she can find the kitchen in any house, blindfolded and with a concussion.
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Your mom is so flexible, she can tie herself in a knot.
But then she gets stuck and has to call the fire department.
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Why did your mom paint her nails?
Because she wanted to match her car's rust spots.
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Your mom is so famous, she has a wax figure at Madame Tussauds.
It's in the 'everyday people' section, next to a mannequin of a mall cop.
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Why did your mom get a tattoo of a cloud?
Because she wanted something that would change shape as she grows.
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Your mom is so romantic, she wrote a poem for your dad.
It was about how his snoring sounds like a dying lawnmower.
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Why did your mom bring a spoon to the computer?
She wanted to scoop up all the big data.
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Your mom is so heavy, when she sits on a chair, the chair becomes a loveseat.
Then it becomes a bench, then a pile of toothpicks.
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Why did your mom fail her driving test?
She kept trying to parallel park between two parked cars that were already touching.
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Your mom is so forgetful, she put her keys in the fridge and called the police to report a theft.
The police found the keys, and then she forgot why she called them.
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Why did your mom get a job as a weather forecaster?
She can predict rain by sniffing, but mostly she just says 'cloudy' all day.
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Your mom is so clumsy, she tripped over a cardboard box.
The box was empty and had been on the floor for weeks.
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Why did your mom start a gardening club?
She wanted to grow something taller than herself, but everything just wilted.
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Your mom is so loud, she can shatter glass with her voice.
The glass pane she broke was in a museum under a sign that said 'Please do not sing'.
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Why did your mom buy a treadmill?
To hang her laundry on.
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Your mom is so creative, she built a house of cards.
It collapsed when she sneezed, and she blamed the 9/11 truthers.
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Why did your mom get a cat?
She needed a friend who would judge her silently, like the dog does after he steps in her slippers.
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Your mom is so brave, she eats spicy food.
She says it reminds her of the time she ate that entire jar of jalapeños while pregnant.
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Why did your mom take up yoga?
So she could reach the remote control without getting off the couch.
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Your mom is so wise, she knows the secret to life.
But she won't tell anyone because they might use it to steal her Doritos.
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Why did your mom paint her face orange?
She saw a photo of a Cheeto and thought it was a makeup tutorial.
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Your mom is so mysterious, no one knows her age.
Not even her birth certificate, because she forged it from a napkin.
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Why did your mom get a PhD in procrastination?
She'll tell you later.
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Your mom is so humble, she never talks about her IQ.
Mostly because it's room temperature in Celsius.
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Why did your mom become a mime?
So she could finally communicate without yelling.
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Your mom is so strong, she can bench press a fridge.
Then she sits on it and calls it a throne.
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Why did your mom get a hearing aid?
To better ignore your complaints.
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Your mom is so sneaky, she can walk through a room without anyone noticing.
Until the floor starts creaking under her weight.
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Why did your mom wear a life jacket in the swimming pool?
Because she thought 'cannonball' meant hitting the water with a cannon, not her body.
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Your mom is so lazy, she uses a drone to bring her snacks from the kitchen.
The drone crashed into a wall, but she still ate the crushed chips on the floor.