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Why did the old man put his wallet in the blender?
He wanted to make liquid assets.
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What's an old person's favorite kind of music?
The kind that doesn't need batteries.
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Why did the old woman refuse to play cards?
Because she was afraid of getting a 'cheat' attack.
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How do you know an old person has been using the computer?
There's a cup of tea cooling on the keyboard.
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What do you call a senior citizen who can fix anything?
A hinge mechanic.
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Why do old people love talking about their aches?
Because they finally have something to complain about with authority.
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What's the difference between an old man and a toddler?
The toddler doesn't have a walker.
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Why did the old man bring a ladder to the bar?
He heard the drinks were on the house.
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What do you call an old person who can't stop talking?
A golden oldie.
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Why did the old woman put her glasses in the freezer?
She wanted to see her iced tea.
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What's an old person's favorite exercise?
Pushing their luck.
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Why do old people always carry a tissue?
Because they have a lot of 'sneeze' memories.
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What do you call an old man who loves to bake?
A grandpa-cake.
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Why did the old woman put a bell on her cat?
So she could hear it coming.
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What's an old person's favorite game?
Hide and seek – they're already good at forgetting where they put things.
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Why do old people love round numbers?
Because they're easy to forget.
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What do you call an old man who loves to swim?
A senior citizen freshwater.
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Why did the old woman get a job at the bakery?
She wanted to make some dough, the old-fashioned way.
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How do old people keep their hearing sharp?
They turn up the television.
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Why did the old man eat his watch?
He wanted to have a little time for lunch.
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What's an old person's favorite type of bread?
Sourdough – it's been around.
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Why do old people love reminiscing?
Because the past is the only place where things don't hurt.
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What do you call an old woman who can't find her keys?
Lost and found.
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Why did the old man bring a map to the doctor?
He heard they'd give him directions.
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What's an old person's favorite flower?
The forget-me-not.
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Why do old people always have a story?
Because they've had more time to make them up.
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What did the old woman say to her aching knee?
You're just a pain in the joint.
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Why did the old man put his car keys in the fridge?
He wanted to keep them cool for his next cold start.
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What's the best thing about being old?
You can say whatever you want – no one remembers what you said anyway.
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Why do old people prefer stairs?
Because elevators have too many ups and downs.
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What do you call an old man who loves gardening?
A plant-ernity.
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Why did the old woman refuse to use the microwave?
She said it had too many 'minutes' to remember.
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How do you spot an old person at a concert?
They're the ones standing up because sitting hurts.
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Why did the old man always carry a tape measure?
He wanted to keep abreast of things.
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What do old people say when they drop something?
I wasn't looking anyway.
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Why did the old woman love crossword puzzles?
Because they were the only thing she could fill in without memory.
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What's an old person's favorite drink?
Prune juice – it keeps things moving.
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Why did the old man put a rug over his TV?
He wanted to watch a matinée.
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How do old people stay in shape?
They loaf around.
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What did the old woman say when asked about her bucket list?
I don't have one – I've already kicked the bucket.
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Why did the old man refuse to play bingo?
He said it was too fast-paced.
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What do you call an old person who loves to travel?
A retire-ee.
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Why do old people always have a spare pair of glasses?
So they can see where they left the first pair.
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What's an old person's favorite animal?
The sloth – they can relate.
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Why did the old woman put a sign on her door saying 'do not disturb'?
She was napping for the fifth time that day.
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What do you call an old man who loves to tell jokes?
A groan-up.
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Why did the old person cross the road?
To get to the other side of the room.
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How do you know an old person has been using the internet?
They've bookmarked every page from 2005.
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Why do old people love eating soup?
Because it's easy to swallow and easier to forget.
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What did the old man say when his wife asked him to take out the trash?
I already did – yesterday.