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Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
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My grandfather's last words were 'Are you still holding the ladder?'
He died doing what he loved—falling for things.
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I have a stepladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
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They said I was born with a silver spoon…
Turns out it was just a metal detector from the cemetery.
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Why don't graveyards have Wi-Fi?
Because people are just dying to get in.
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I went to buy a cemetery plot…
They were all taken, but I found a vacancy.
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My doctor told me I have a week to live…
So I'm planning a party. He said 'You're dying.' I said 'But I'll be late.'
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I'm reading a book on anti-gravity…
It's impossible to put down, especially if you throw it.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop…
It was sole destroying.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field… of tombstones.
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I have a fear of speed bumps…
But I'm slowly getting over it.
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My friend told me he was going to a nude beach…
I said 'That's a bold move.' He said 'No, it's just cheeky.'
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I asked my dog what's two plus two…
He said 'nothing' – he's dead now.
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I'm on a whiskey diet…
I've lost three days already.
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My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape…
That would be a big step forward. Or backward, depending on the direction.
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I'm friends with all my ancestors…
They're all dying to meet me.
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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What's the worst part about being a contortionist?
Trying to get out of a tight spot.
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I have a joke about trickery…
It's a sly one. Actually, it's a lie.
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I told my mom she was adopted…
She gave me a funny look. I said 'You're adopted too.'
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I'm afraid of the dark…
That's why I keep the light on, but then the monsters can see me.
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My doctor said I needed to exercise more because I'm a bit stiff…
He's now a mortician.
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I'm reading a book on mazes…
I got lost in it.
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Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the knife.
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I have a friend who's afraid of holes…
He has a phobia of grounds. I told him to get a grip. He fell in.
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I visited a mausoleum…
It was a dead end.
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My grandfather used to say 'I'm all skin and bones'…
He was a skeleton.
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Why don't zombies eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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I'm writing a horror novel…
It's a real page-turner.
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I've got a great joke about a ghost…
But you wouldn't believe it unless you saw it.
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I tried to catch fog…
I mist.
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My friend said he was going to the afterlife…
I said 'Don't let the door hit you on the way out.'
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta – like my fake funeral.
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Why did the morgue worker get fired?
Because he kept taking dead bodies for a spin.
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I'm writing a book about a mortician…
It's a dead giveaway.
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Why do funerals have so many flowers?
Because the deceased can't smell them, but the living can.
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I used to be a baker…
But I couldn't make enough dough.
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My friend is always late…
He'll be late to his own funeral – wait, he already is.
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I'm scared of my own shadow…
It's a dark follower.
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Why did the vampire break up with the zombie?
Because he was dead inside.
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I have a joke about a coffin…
It's a nail-biter.
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What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish… and you can't resuscitate a fish.
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I'm learning to play the violin…
It's a string of bad decisions.
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My therapist said I have a fear of commitment…
I said 'I'll think about it.'
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I'm writing a eulogy…
It's a eulogy of errors.
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
Because he had no body to go with.
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I have a joke about an execution…
It's a hanging topic.
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My friend said he was born in a hospital…
I said 'That's a delivery joke.'
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Why do gravediggers have good posture?
Because they always stand tall in their field.