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Why don't Chuck Norris jokes have punchlines?
Because Chuck Norris is the punchline.
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How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?
All of them—in one rep.
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What happens when Chuck Norris goes to the gym?
The gym gets a membership to him.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field—until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him into next week.
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How does Chuck Norris order coffee?
He doesn't. The coffee brews itself in fear.
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What did the ocean say to Chuck Norris?
Nothing. It parted.
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Why don't chickens cross the road anymore?
Because Chuck Norris already owns the other side.
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How many continents has Chuck Norris visited?
All of them—including the ones that don't exist yet.
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What's Chuck Norris's favorite board game?
Monopoly—he always owns the board.
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Why do cats avoid Chuck Norris?
Because they know he has nine lives already.
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How does Chuck Norris cut his steak?
With a look.
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What happens if you say 'Chuck Norris' three times in a mirror?
He appears behind you and asks why you're wasting his time.
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Why did the sun go dark?
Chuck Norris blinked.
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How many rounds does Chuck Norris need in a boxing match?
Half a round. The other half is for the ambulance.
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What's Chuck Norris's password?
He doesn't need one. The system authenticates to him.
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Why do earthquakes happen?
Chuck Norris is walking somewhere.
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How does Chuck Norris open a jar?
He stares at it until the lid unscrews itself.
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What's Chuck Norris's favorite type of math?
Roundhouse division—everything becomes a fraction.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to Chuck Norris it wasn't afraid.
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How does Chuck Norris measure time?
In Chuck Norris seconds—one of which lasts a day.
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What happens when Chuck Norris plays hide-and-seek?
He wins before anyone starts looking.
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Why don't they make Chuck Norris action figures?
Because they can't find a box strong enough.
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How does Chuck Norris end a conversation?
With a period. No one argues.
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What's Chuck Norris's favorite drink?
Fear—served cold by his enemies.
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How many roads must a man walk down?
Chuck Norris walks down all of them at once.
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Why is the sky blue?
Because Chuck Norris said so.
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What does Chuck Norris use to wipe his tears?
He doesn't cry. The universe apologizes.
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Why did the calculator break?
Chuck Norris divided by zero.
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How does Chuck Norris get to the other side of the road?
He doesn't. The road moves for him.
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What's the only thing Chuck Norris is afraid of?
Nothing—but even nothing is scared.
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Why did the glass of water tremble?
Chuck Norris looked at it.
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How does Chuck Norris shave?
He roundhouse kicks the beard off.
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What's Chuck Norris's favorite TV show?
Walker, Texas Ranger—because it's a documentary.
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Why don't they make Chuck Norris birthday cards?
Because every day is his birthday.
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What happens when Chuck Norris throws a boomerang?
The boomerang refuses to come back.
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How does Chuck Norris get a sunburn?
He doesn't. The sun gets a Chuck Norris burn.
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What's Chuck Norris's favorite fruit?
Kick-apple—it falls from the tree before he touches it.
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Why did the stop sign turn red?
Chuck Norris looked at it.
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How many times has Chuck Norris been in a fight?
Once. The fight surrendered.
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What's the fastest thing on Earth?
Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick—it happens before time begins.
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Why don't they use batteries in Chuck Norris's flashlight?
Because darkness is afraid of him.
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How does Chuck Norris lock his door?
He tells it to stay closed.
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What's Chuck Norris's favorite number?
Infinite—because it already knows its place.
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Why did the elevator break down?
Chuck Norris stepped in. It couldn't handle the weight of his awesomeness.
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How does Chuck Norris know what time it is?
He tells the clock.
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What does Chuck Norris get for Christmas?
Everything—because Santa knows better than to skip him.
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Why don't they make Chuck Norris movies anymore?
Because real life can't keep up with the special effects.
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How many candles does Chuck Norris's birthday cake have?
None. The cake lights itself in his honor.
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What did the wall say to Chuck Norris?
Nothing. It crumbled.
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Why don't pigeons sit on Chuck Norris's statue?
Even pigeons know better than to mess with a legend.