0
Why did the man put his phone in the freezer?
He wanted a cold call from his ex.
0
What do you call a wizard who can't stop getting erections?
A stiff spell.
0
Why did the couple break up over the vacuum cleaner?
Because she kept sucking his dust bunnies.
0
What's the difference between a dirty mind and a clean one?
A shower.
0
Why did the man get kicked out of the library?
He kept trying to check out the librarian's overdue books.
0
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
0
What's the best way to get a man to do something?
Tell him it's impossible in front of his friends.
0
Why did the woman bring a ladder to the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
0
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business.
0
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything—including their love lives.
0
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye.
0
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snowballs.
0
Why did the man spend his life savings on a sex doll?
He wanted a partner who wouldn't talk back.
0
What's the strongest creature in the ocean?
A mussel, because it can hold a boat together.
0
Why did the couple go to the zoo?
To see the polar bears—the man wanted to test his cold approach.
0
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
0
What's the difference between a golf ball and a man?
A golf ball will eventually land in the hole.
0
Why did the woman refuse to play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding when you're in the mood.
0
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
0
Why did the man put a condom on his head?
He wanted to keep his brain safe from STDs.
0
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you're done.
0
Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
He wanted to draw the curtains.
0
What's the difference between a man and a parking spot?
The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
0
Why did the woman throw her alarm clock out the window?
She wanted to see time fly while getting some morning action.
0
What do you call a man who's good at multitasking?
He can chew gum and walk his dog at the same time—but not much else.
0
Why did the man get a vasectomy?
He didn't want any little surprises.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a light bulb?
You can change the light bulb.
0
Why did the man bring a plunger to the bedroom?
He heard she had a clogged drain.
0
How do you make a man forget his birthday?
Make him think it's your anniversary.
0
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
0
Why did the woman stop taking birth control?
She wanted to see if he would stick around for the consequences.
0
What do you call a man who's always on top?
A good start.
0
Why did the man go to the lingerie store?
He was looking for something to unwrap.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a toaster?
You don't have to push the toaster's buttons to get it to work.
0
Why did the woman buy a vibrator?
She wanted to meet someone who knows how to turn her on.
0
How do you know if a man is good in bed?
He brings breakfast in bed without being asked.
0
What's the difference between a man and a bicycle?
A bicycle is easier to ride.
0
Why did the man put a mirror on the ceiling?
He wanted to see himself come.
0
What do you call a man who's bad at sex?
A virgin.
0
Why did the woman go to the bar alone?
She was tired of fake orgasms.
0
What's the difference between a man and a horse?
A horse can't say no.
0
Why did the man get a tattoo of a horse on his arm?
He wanted a nagging wife.
0
How do you make a man listen?
Whisper in his ear while naked.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a cat?
A cat will eventually leave you alone.
0
Why did the man take his wife to the football game?
He wanted her to see what a real quarterback looks like.
0
What's the difference between a man and a sofa?
A sofa doesn't complain when you sit on it.
0
Why did the woman refuse to go on a second date?
He told her his favorite position was 69 with a calculator.
0
How do you make a man open up?
Give him a drink and a compliment.
0
What's the difference between a man and a dog?
A dog will do tricks for food.
0
Why did the man bring a stopwatch to bed?
He wanted to time his performance.
0
What do you call a man who's never had sex?
A virgin—or married, depending on the day.
0
Why did the woman date a plumber?
She heard he was good with pipes.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a stove?
A stove doesn't get hotter when you touch it.
0
Why did the man buy a pair of boxers with hearts on them?
He wanted to show his love for his girlfriend's booty.
0
How do you know if a man is having a good time?
He's not checking his watch.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a beer?
You can drink a beer without getting emotional.
0
Why did the woman break up with the mathematician?
He couldn't figure out the formula for her pleasure.
0
What do you call a man who's good at foreplay?
An optimist.
0
Why did the man put his keys in the freezer?
He wanted to chill out after a long night.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't ask if you're thinking about someone else.
0
Why did the man take a shower with his girlfriend?
He wanted to see her wet and wild.
0
How do you make a man propose?
Hold out until he's blue in the face.
0
What's the difference between a man and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner doesn't leave its hose lying around.
0
Why did the woman buy a new bed?
The old one had a lot of broken springs.
0
What do you call a man who always finishes first?
A sprinter—or selfish.
0
Why did the man put a coin in his mouth?
He wanted to make change.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a washing detergent?
One gets clothes cleaner, the other just stains.
0
Why did the man get arrested in the adult store?
He tried to return a used toy.
0
How do you make a man stop snoring?
Wake him up and tell him you want to have sex.
0
What's the difference between a man and a light switch?
You can flip a light switch without getting a reaction.
0
Why did the woman go to the gym?
She wanted to work on her glutes for better grip.
0
What do you call a man who can't keep it up?
A tent—in a storm.
0
Why did the man buy a GPS for his car?
He kept getting lost on the way to her house.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a mirror?
A mirror doesn't lie.
0
Why did the woman give her boyfriend a remote control?
She wanted him to change the batteries.
0
How do you make a man happy?
Give him food, sex, and silence.
0
What's the difference between a man and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't need a manual to run.
0
Why did the man take a nap after sex?
He was tired from all the work.
0
What do you call a man who's great in bed?
A liar.
0
Why did the woman start a podcast about sex?
She had a lot of experience but no one to share it with.
0
What's the difference between a man and a cereal box?
A cereal box doesn't lie about its contents.
0
Why did the man bring a knife to the bedroom?
He wanted to cut to the chase.
0
How do you know if a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a lamp?
A lamp doesn't get angry if you turn it off too quickly.
0
Why did the woman buy a remote control car?
She wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
0
What do you call a man who's always ready?
A Boy Scout—or a panther.
0
Why did the man put a pillow over his face?
He heard she liked muffled screams.
0
What's the difference between a man and a pencil?
A pencil has a point.
0
Why did the woman refuse to do missionary?
She didn't want to be bored to death.
0
How do you make a man climax?
Tell him you're almost there—and mean it.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a fire alarm?
A fire alarm eventually stops screaming.
0
Why did the man bring a map to bed?
He was looking for the G-spot.
0
What do you call a man who's never had sex on a plane?
A virgin—or a lucky bastard.
0
Why did the woman leave her husband?
She found his secret stash of dirty magazines, and they weren't even about her.
0
What's the difference between a man and a mattress?
A mattress doesn't get softer with time.
0
Why did the man put a rubber band on his wrist?
To remind him to stop pulling out.
0
How do you start a relationship?
With a spark—and a lawyer.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a car?
A car doesn't need emotional maintenance.
0
Why did the man get a tattoo of a woman on his arm?
He wanted someone to hold onto.
0
What do you call a man who's good in bed?
A miracle.
0
Why did the woman go to the doctor?
She had a case of the 'I'm fine's.
0
What's the difference between a man and a battery?
A battery can be recharged.
0
Why did the man put his phone in his pocket on silent?
He didn't want to be interrupted during the big moment.
0
How do you make a woman happy?
It's a secret—and it changes daily.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a hurricane?
A hurricane eventually passes.
0
Why did the man buy a statue of a woman?
He wanted something that wouldn't talk back.
0
What do you call a man who's always horny?
A teenager—or a liar if he says he's not.
0
Why did the woman put a padlock on her underwear?
She wanted to keep him out.
0
What's the difference between a man and a lawn mower?
The lawn mower doesn't need a push to start.
0
How do you know if a man is cheating?
His stories don't add up.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a lie detector?
The lie detector beeps louder.
0
Why did the man put a cucumber in his pants?
He wanted to feel like a big shot.
0
What do you call a man who's never had a girlfriend?
A wizard—or just unlucky.
0
Why did the woman go to the hardware store?
She needed a new drill bit.
0
What's the difference between a man and a mattress tag?
The tag says 'Do not remove under penalty of law.'
0
Why did the man bring a camera to bed?
He wanted to film his best work.
0
How do you make a woman say 'wow'?
Cook her a meal and do the dishes.
0
What's the difference between a man and a traffic light?
A traffic light changes for a reason.
0
Why did the woman give her boyfriend a book about sadomasochism?
She wanted to see if he could take the pain of reading.
0
What do you call a man who's good at cuddling?
A keeper.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet seat?
Some men actually put the seat down.
0
Why did the man take his girlfriend to the junkyard?
He wanted to show her where he'd been dumping his exes.
0
How do you know if a man is lying?
Check his fly.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a flower?
A flower blooms without being told to.
0
Why did the woman date a chef?
She heard he was good with his hands and his meat.
0
What do you call a man who's always in the mood?
A high school athlete.
0
Why did the man put a magnet on his refrigerator?
He wanted to attract a snack.
0
What's the difference between a man and a calendar?
The calendar doesn't need to be turned.
0
Why did the woman buy a sleeping mask?
She didn't want to see his face.
0
How do you make a man jealous?
Tell him you're going out with someone else.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a time bomb?
The time bomb gives you a warning.
0
Why did the man sit on his hands?
He wanted to keep them warm for her.
0
What do you call a man who's bad at kissing?
A dead fish.
0
Why did the woman put a leash on her boyfriend?
She wanted to take him for a walk.
0
What's the difference between a man and a goldfish?
The goldfish doesn't forget where it came from.
0
Why did the man buy a new bed?
The springs were poking out.
0
How do you make a woman moan?
Give her a massage that doesn't end in sex.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a bottle of wine?
You can drink the wine and still have the bottle.
0
Why did the woman stop going to her yoga class?
The instructor kept using the word 'pose' in a weird way.
0
What do you call a man who's always late?
A Sunday driver—or a liar.
0
Why did the man put a mirror on the ceiling?
He wanted to see if he was doing it right.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a fence?
A fence doesn't need whitewashing.
0
Why did the man bring a dog to the bedroom?
He wanted a third party to judge his performance.
0
How do you know if a man is good in bed?
Ask his ex—he'll be in the phone book under 'mistakes'.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a tennis ball?
A tennis ball gets hit back.
0
Why did the woman buy a whip?
She wanted to teach her man some discipline.
0
What do you call a man who's always ready to go?
A sprinter—or a premature ejaculator.
0
Why did the man put a note on the fridge: 'Out of order'?
He was tired of being ignored.
0
What's the difference between a man and a coffee maker?
The coffee maker knows when to stop.
0
Why did the woman go to the bedroom with a ruler?
She wanted to measure his performance.
0
How do you make a man stop talking?
Start giving him head.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a smartphone?
The smartphone has a longer battery life.
0
Why did the man buy a new car?
The old one had too many dents from all the backseat action.
0
What do you call a man who's never had sex?
A virgin—or a politician.
0
Why did the woman break up with the musician?
He kept playing the same old tune.
0
What's the difference between a man and a pair of socks?
Socks don't get holes in the same place twice.
0
Why did the man put a couch in the bedroom?
He wanted to have a comfortable waiting area.
0
How do you make a woman feel special?
Pay attention to her when you're not in the mood.
0
What's the difference between a man and a dishwasher?
The dishwasher can handle a full load.
0
Why did the woman date a firefighter?
She heard he knew how to handle hoses.
0
What do you call a man who's always complaining?
A husband.
0
Why did the man bring a book to bed?
He wanted to read between the lines.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a train?
A train doesn't stop if you wave your arms.
0
Why did the woman put a lock on her diary?
She didn't want him to read about her fantasies.
0
How do you know if a man is horny?
His one-word answers get longer.
0
What's the difference between a man and a car?
The car works better with a manual.
0
Why did the man take a shower after sex?
He wanted to wash away the guilt.
0
What do you call a man who's always talking about sex?
A teenager—or a bore.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a light bulb?
You can replace a light bulb.
0
Why did the man put a banana in his pocket?
He wanted to feel like a big shot.
0
How do you make a woman laugh?
Tell her a joke that's not about sex.
0
What's the difference between a man and a mattress?
A mattress has springs.
0
Why did the woman buy a new dildo?
The old one was too reliable.
0
What do you call a man who's good at holding his breath?
A pearl diver—or a liar.
0
Why did the man put a sign on his bedroom door: 'Do Not Disturb'?
He was tired of being interrupted.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer doesn't have a default 'sleep' mode.
0
Why did the woman go to the gym with a towel?
She wanted to work up a sweat before the shower.
0
How do you make a man stop snoring?
Wake him up and tell him you're in the mood.
0
What's the difference between a man and a dog?
A dog knows when to stop licking.
0
Why did the man buy a new watch?
The old one was too fast.
0
Why did the woman break up with the programmer?
He kept saying 'I'll fix it later.'
0
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't complain about the load.
0
How do you know if a man is a good kisser?
Ask his mother.
0
What's the difference between a woman and a firework?
A firework explodes at the right time.
0
Why did the woman buy a new bed?
The springs were poking out.
0
What do you call a man who's always in a hurry?
A premature ejaculator.
0
Why did the man bring a ruler to bed?
He wanted to measure her satisfaction.
0
How do you make a woman moan?
Whisper in her ear, 'I did the laundry.'
0
What do you call a man who's never had sex?
A virgin—or a lucky bastard.