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Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
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Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
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How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two-tired.
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What do you call a singing Laptop?
A Dell.
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Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it had too many problems.
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How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints.
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
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How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
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Why did the baker go to therapy?
He needed to knead his feelings.
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
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Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left.
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How does a train eat?
It goes chew-chew.
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
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Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed.
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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
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Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
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What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
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Why did the music teacher go to jail?
She got caught with the right notes.
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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired.
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What do you call a fake stone in England?
A sham rock.
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Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.
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How does a penguin feel when it loses its flippers?
P-p-p-penguin.
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What do you call a bear that's stuck in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
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Why did the mushroom go to the party?
He was a fun-gi.
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What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
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Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus.
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How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
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Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other slither.
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
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Why did the clock go to therapy?
It had too many ticks.
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How does a farmer count his cows?
With a cow-culator.
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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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Why did the ghost go to the party?
For the boos.
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How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
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What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A labracadabrador.
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal.
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What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
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Why did the frog call his insurance company?
He had a jump in his car.
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How does a snowman get around?
By riding an icicle.
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What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe.
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Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash.
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What do you call a camel without a hump?
Humphrey.
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Why did the belt get arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.
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What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.
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Why did the napkin go to the party?
It was a paper plate.
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How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
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What do you call a train that sneezes?
A choo-choo.
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Why did the pizza get sent to the principal?
It was being cheesy in class.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
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Why did the broom get a ticket?
It was sweeping the street without a license.
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How does a snail fight?
It shells out.
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What do you call a duck that uses drugs?
A quackhead.
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
He needed space.
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What do you call a pig that tells jokes?
A ham.
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Why did the lemon stop at the red light?
It was a sour situation.
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How do you make a witch itch?
You take away her scratch.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
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Why did the banana put on sunscreen?
It didn't want to peel.
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What do you call a cow that plays chess?
A moo-ver.
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Why did the grape get stepped on?
It was in a jam.
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How do you throw a party in space?
You planet.
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What do you call a dog that loves the beach?
A sand-pup.
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Why did the broom break up with the dustpan?
It was tired of sweeping things under the rug.
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What do you call a monkey that loves chips?
A crisp monkey.
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because her students were too bright.
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How do you make a lemon drop?
You push it off a table.
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What do you call a bear with a sore throat?
A grizzly bear.
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Why did the egg hide in the corner?
It was a little chicken.
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What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A moo-sician.
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Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
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How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
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What do you call a sheep that plays the drums?
A lamb-ourine.
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Why did the coffee stop suing the cream?
They decided to settle.
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What do you call a cat that eats lemons?
A sour puss.
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Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker?
He was outstanding in his field.
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How do you catch a squirrel?
Act like a nut.
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What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador.
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Why did the toothbrush go to the party?
It was a brush with fame.
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What do you call a frog that fixes things?
A hop-tician.
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Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was feeling crumby.
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What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.