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Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To reach the settlement on the other side.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll bill you for a dozen and claim a consultation fee.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a cat?
A cat stops purring once you stop petting it.
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Did you hear about the lawyer who died and went to heaven?
St. Peter said, 'Sorry, we've got enough lawyers—go to the other place.'
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Why do lawyers wear such expensive suits?
Because they bill by the hour and need to look the part.
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What do you call a lawyer who tells the truth?
A defendant.
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Why don't lawyers play hide and seek?
Because good luck hiding from someone who bills for every hour spent looking.
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A lawyer and a shark are arguing about who's more ruthless.
The shark says, 'I only eat my prey—you charge yours for the privilege.'
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Why did the lawyer break up with the calculator?
Too many decimal points of contention.
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What's the best thing to have when you're being sued by a lawyer?
A really good countersuit.
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
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Why are lawyers so good at poker?
They've mastered the art of bluffing with a straight face.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The vulture waits until something is dead before circling.
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Did you hear about the lawyer who became a gardener?
He finally found work that didn't require a retainer.
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Why did the lawyer refuse to play chess?
Too many moves that could be ruled inadmissible.
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What do you call a lawyer who's also a magician?
A man who can make your wallet disappear while you watch.
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Why don't lawyers need therapy?
They get paid to argue—every session is billable.
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How does a lawyer say goodbye?
'I'll send you my final invoice.'
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Why did the lawyer's dog sit on the clock?
He wanted to be a watchdog for billable hours.
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What did the judge say to the lawyer who kept checking his watch?
'Time is money, counselor—yours or mine?'
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Why did the lawyer take a nap in the courtroom?
He was dreaming of a settlement where everyone sleeps on it.
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How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The liar eventually stops when caught.
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Why did the lawyer become a baker?
He kneaded the dough more than the court system.
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What do you call a group of lawyers in a swimming pool?
A brief diversion.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
Both are best used as a deterrent.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three—one to do it, one to object, and one to bill the client for the demonstration.
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What's the lawyer's favorite type of music?
Anything that comes with a settlement.
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Why did the lawyer go to the doctor?
He had a case of acute billable-itis.
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What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a computer?
A system that charges for every error message.
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Why did the lawyer's car break down?
He was too busy drafting a motion to notice the fuel light.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Threaten to cut down the tree and sue for damages.
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What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
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Why did the lawyer refuse to go to the beach?
Too many sand traps—he prefers billable hours over sand grains.
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What did one lawyer say to the other?
'I object to your objection to my objection.'
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Why do lawyers never look out the window?
They'd rather bill you for the view inside the courtroom.
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What's the best part of a lawyer's day?
When the client finally signs the check.
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How does a lawyer comfort a crying client?
'Don't worry—I'll charge you later.'
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Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to court?
He heard the case had a high burden of proof.
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What do you call a lawyer who's also a pilot?
Someone who can bill you for a flight of fancy.
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Why don't lawyers write novels?
Too much plot—they prefer procedural arguments.
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How do you spot a lawyer in a crowded room?
He's the one arguing with the mirror about who pays first.
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What's a lawyer's favorite exercise?
Pushing the envelope.
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Why did the lawyer go broke?
He spent all his money on objections and appeals.
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What did the judge say when the lawyer offered a joke?
'Overruled—this courtroom is no laughing matter, but your bill is a joke.'
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Why do lawyers live so long?
They never settle—they keep appealing.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
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Why did the lawyer dress in camouflage?
He wanted to hide from his own conscience.
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How does a lawyer order coffee?
'I'll take a black coffee, no sugar—and bill me for the cream.'
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What do you call a lawyer who never lies?
A retired lawyer.