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Little Johnny's teacher asked him to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
He said, 'My dad says if I don't stop sneezing, I'll be contagious and get to stay home from school.'
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Why did Little Johnny bring a ladder to school?
Because he wanted to go to high school.
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Little Johnny's mom asked, 'What did you learn in math today?'
He replied, 'That my teacher can count to 1,000 with her mouth shut.'
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The teacher said, 'Little Johnny, use the word 'literally' in a sentence.'
He said, 'I literally just ate a whole bag of candy.' The teacher said, 'That's not true.' Johnny replied, 'No, it's literally true – I ate the bag too.'
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Little Johnny told his dad, 'I need a new pair of shoes for school.'
Dad said, 'Why? The ones you have are fine.' Johnny said, 'No, they're too small – they keep giving me footnotes.'
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Why was Little Johnny's pencil so heavy?
Because it had a lot of lead in it.
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Little Johnny's teacher asked, 'What is the capital of France?'
He answered, 'F.' The teacher said, 'That's incorrect.' Johnny said, 'But you said the capital letter.'
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Little Johnny's mother asked him to stop acting like a flamingo.
He said, 'I can't help it – I'm just trying to stand out.'
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The teacher said, 'Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.'
He said, 'I is…' The teacher interrupted, 'No, say 'I am'.' Johnny replied, 'Okay. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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Why did Little Johnny put his homework in the freezer?
Because his teacher said it needed to be cool.
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Little Johnny came to class with a black eye.
The teacher asked what happened. He said, 'I made a pun.' She said, 'A pun gave you a black eye?' He said, 'No, my dad gave it to me when I told him the pun.'
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Little Johnny's dad said, 'Son, go see if the mail has arrived.'
Johnny went to the door, came back, and said, 'Nope, it's still a letter.'
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The teacher asked, 'Little Johnny, why are you eating your crayons?'
He replied, 'Because I want to color my insides.'
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Little Johnny asked his mom, 'Can I have a dollar for a poor man?'
Mom said, 'Sure, but where is the poor man?' Johnny said, 'I'm the poor man.'
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Why did Little Johnny throw his clock out the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly.
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Little Johnny's teacher said, 'Use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.'
He said, 'My dog has a coat with ten buttons, but I can only fasten eight – the other two fascinate.'
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Little Johnny asked his dad, 'What's a skeleton?'
Dad said, 'It's the bones inside you.' Johnny said, 'Then why do people say they have a skeleton in the closet?'
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The teacher scolded, 'Little Johnny, why are you late?'
He said, 'I saw a sign that said 'School Ahead, Go Slow' – so I did.'
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Little Johnny's mom said, 'Eat your greens, they'll put hair on your chest.'
Johnny replied, 'But I don't want hair on my chest – I want it on my head.'
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Why did Little Johnny take a ruler to bed?
To see how long he could sleep.
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Little Johnny told his teacher, 'I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.'
The teacher said, 'I agree – but it's the lowest grade I can give.'
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Little Johnny's dad asked, 'What did you do at school today?'
Johnny said, 'We played a game where we had to guess what the teacher was thinking. I won every time.' Dad asked, 'How?' Johnny said, 'She was thinking, 'Stop talking, Little Johnny.'
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The teacher said, 'Little Johnny, spell 'apple'.'
He said, 'A-P-P-L-E.' The teacher said, 'Correct.' Johnny said, 'Good, now can I have one?'
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Why did Little Johnny put a frog in his lunchbox?
Because he wanted to have a hoppy meal.
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Little Johnny's mom caught him eating glue.
She said, 'Why are you eating glue?!' He said, 'Because it's the only thing that sticks to my ribs.'
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The teacher asked, 'Little Johnny, what is the meaning of 'procrastination'?'
He said, 'I'll tell you tomorrow.'
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Little Johnny's dad said, 'Son, don't talk with your mouth full.'
Johnny said, 'But Dad, the food is talking – it says, 'Chew me, chew me!''
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Why did Little Johnny wear a life jacket to school?
Because he heard the teacher say they were going to have a pop quiz.
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Little Johnny asked his teacher, 'Can I be excused from school?'
She said, 'Why?' He said, 'Because my dog needs a bath.' She said, 'What does that have to do with you?' He said, 'I'm the one who bathes him.'
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Little Johnny's mom said, 'Go ask the neighbor for a cup of sugar.'
Johnny came back and said, 'She said no – she's on a diet.' Mom said, 'What does that mean?' Johnny said, 'She said she already has enough sugar at home.'
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Why did Little Johnny put his homework in the blender?
Because his teacher said it needed to be 'mixed up'.
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The teacher asked, 'Little Johnny, what is the past tense of 'dare'?'
He said, 'Daren't.'
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Little Johnny came home with a note from the teacher.
His mom read it and said, 'It says you tried to sell your homework to the other kids.' Johnny said, 'I was just trying to make some extra cash – my allowance is too low.'
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Why did Little Johnny put his shoes in the refrigerator?
Because his mother said they were too 'stinky' and needed to chill.
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Little Johnny's dad said, 'Go see if the door is locked.'
Johnny went, came back, and said, 'No, it's still closed.'
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The teacher asked, 'Little Johnny, what do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car?'
He said, 'A tow-truck driver?' The teacher said, 'No, that's not right.' Johnny said, 'Well, you shouldn't have started the joke without telling me.'
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Little Johnny's mom asked, 'Why is there a crayon up your nose?'
He said, 'Because I'm trying to draw a breath.'
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Why did Little Johnny stop playing hide and seek?
Because every time he hid, his dad said, 'Come out, Johnny – I can see your feet.'
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Little Johnny told his teacher, 'I can't come to school tomorrow because I have a doctor's appointment.'
The teacher said, 'That's fine – what time?' Johnny said, 'I don't know – the doctor is coming to my house to play checkers.'
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Little Johnny's dad said, 'Don't you ever listen when I'm talking?'
Johnny said, 'Sure I do – I just forget what I hear.'
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The teacher said, 'Little Johnny, use the word 'amaze' in a sentence.'
He said, 'The door to the classroom is a maze – I always get lost.'
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Why did Little Johnny put his lunch in the fish tank?
Because his mom said she wanted him to have a balanced diet.
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Little Johnny's mom asked, 'Did you take a bath today?'
He said, 'Yes – why, is one missing?'
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The teacher asked, 'Little Johnny, what is 2+2?'
He said, '4.' The teacher said, 'Good.' Johnny said, 'Now give me a harder one – something like 'what's 2+2 when nobody's looking?''
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Little Johnny saw a sign that said 'Danger – Rock Slide'.
He said, 'I don't see any rocks sliding – what's the danger?' The sign didn't answer.
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Why did Little Johnny bring a pillow to school?
Because his teacher said they were going to have a 'nap' quiz.
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Little Johnny's dad said, 'Son, why is your report card all wet?'
Johnny said, 'Because I got an 'F' – and 'F' is under water.'
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The teacher asked, 'Little Johnny, what is the opposite of 'fast'?'
He said, 'Slow.' She said, 'Good. Now what is the opposite of 'in'?' He said, 'Out.' She said, 'Great. Now what is the opposite of 'happy'?' He said, 'You.'
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Little Johnny's mom said, 'Don't put that toy in your mouth.'
He said, 'But Mom, it's a 'lollipop'! Wait, no, it's a toy lollipop – never mind.'
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Why did Little Johnny bring a magnet to school?
Because his teacher said they were going to have a 'stick-to-it' attitude lesson.