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Why did the baker go to therapy?
He was feeling crumby about his job.
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What's a plumber's favorite movie?
The Drain of the Day.
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Why did the programmer quit his job?
He didn't get arrays.
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How does a mathematician make money?
By counting on his job.
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Why did the musician get fired?
He couldn't find the right notes.
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What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato — but he still hops to work.
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Why did the coffee shop employee get promoted?
He was always brewing up good ideas.
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What's a lawyer's favorite type of music?
Heavy metal — for the objections.
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Why did the electrician get a raise?
He was always on point.
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How do you know a chef is stressed?
He starts whisking his problems away.
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Why did the teacher bring a ladder to work?
To help her students reach their potential.
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What's a construction worker's favorite drink?
A hard hat-ermelon smoothie.
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Why did the accountant break up with his calculator?
It couldn't count on him.
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What do you call a security guard who loves gardening?
A plant watchman.
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Why did the firefighter quit?
He couldn't handle the heat—or the job.
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How does a lumberjack tie his shoes?
With a timber knot.
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Why did the astronaut break up with his job?
He needed space.
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What's a librarian's favorite type of music?
Anything with a good cover.
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Why did the doctor get a speeding ticket?
He was practicing his bedside manner too fast.
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How does a tailor mend a broken heart?
He stitches it with love.
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Why did the farmer get promoted?
He was outstanding in his field.
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What's a pilot's least favorite type of weather?
Fog—it's a plane nuisance.
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Why did the dentist get a job at the zoo?
He wanted to work with the molar-ers.
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How does a mail carrier keep fit?
By delivering packages—and a few puns.
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Why did the artist get fired?
He drew a blank.
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What do you call a manager who yells too much?
Boss-tile.
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Why did the gardener quit?
He was tired of being around plant-obsessed people.
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How do you know a job interview is going well?
The boss offers you a coffee—and a raise.
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Why did the janitor love his job?
Because it was a clean sweep.
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What's a barista's favorite kind of music?
Pour-over pop.
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Why did the weatherman get fired?
He couldn't predict his own future.
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How does a surgeon stay calm?
He makes incisive decisions.
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Why did the IT guy bring a snake to work?
To help untangle the cables.
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What do you call a job for a vampire?
A blood bank teller.
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Why did the fisherman get a part-time job?
He needed more reel income.
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How does a teacher keep students awake?
With a little class participation.
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Why did the baker get a raise?
He kneaded the dough.
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What do you call a job interview at a brewery?
A hop-ortunity.
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Why did the carpenter get fired?
He kept making inappropriate wood puns.
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How does a traffic cop relax?
He puts his feet up and lets the meters run.
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Why did the office worker love Mondays?
He was a fan of the Weekend Report.
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What's a truck driver's favorite song?
'I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)' by The Proclaimers.
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Why did the librarian get a promotion?
She always checked out the right books.
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How does a painter earn a living?
By brush-ing up on his skills.
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Why did the soldier become a chef?
He wanted to serve his country—and his food.
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What do you call a job that's always in your head?
A thought-ployee.
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Why did the glassblower get fired?
He couldn't handle the pressure.
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How does a psychologist fix a broken job?
He analyzes the cover letter.
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Why did the seamstress love her job?
It was a perfect fit for her.
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What's a hedge fund manager's favorite dessert?
Leveraged cheesecake.