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Why don't ghosts get married?
They don't have the spirit for a lifelong commitment.
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What do you say to a dying friend?
"Don't worry, I'll take care of your Netflix password."
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Why did the morgue worker get fired?
He kept body-surfing during lunch.
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I visited my grandmother's grave today.
She wasn't there, but I left a note: "You're not dead, you're just resting."
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What's the hardest part about being a vampire?
Biting your tongue every time you see a stake.
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Why do undertakers always have a smile?
Because they're dying to meet new people.
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My therapist says I have a death wish.
I told her, "Only if it's on my terms."
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I died laughing at my own joke.
It was a grave mistake.
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with.
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What do you call a zombie who always tells the truth?
A dead ringer.
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I'm reading a book on how to die.
It's a page-turner.
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My grandfather's last words were "I left the money under the…".
Now I know why we never found it.
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Why do ghosts haunt old houses?
Because they're stuck in the past.
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What's the most popular dance at a funeral?
The dead man's shuffle.
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I told my girlfriend I'm afraid of the dark.
She said, "Don't worry, I'll be with you till the lights go out."
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Why did the old man fall down the stairs?
He was dead tired.
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What's the last thing you want to hear at a funeral?
"He's not dead, he's just sleeping." Then you realize you buried him alive.
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I'm not afraid of dying.
I'm afraid of my family finding my search history.
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What do you call a graveyard?
A people's museum.
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Why don't vampires get invited to parties?
Because they always drain the fun.
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I like my coffee like I like my soul.
Dark, bitter, and impossible to be revived.
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Why did the skeleton not cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
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What's the hardest part about falling from a skyscraper?
Finding the ground.
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I'm writing a will.
My heirs will be disappointed: all I have are bad jokes.
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Why do ghosts travel in groups?
Because they're afraid of being alone in the dark.
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What's the worst thing about being an undertaker?
You spend your life around people who are dying to get away.
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I went to a funeral the other day.
It was a dead bore.
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Why do zombies never play poker?
Because they can't bluff, they always show their hand.
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My great-grandmother's clock stopped working.
She was 102. The clock said 'time's up'.
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What do you say to someone who's about to die?
"I'll miss your side of the story."
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Why did the mummy go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit wrapped up.
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What's the difference between a dead cat and a stale joke?
One is a dead cat, the other is a dead joke.
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I have a dark sense of humor.
It's always in the shadows, waiting for the punchline.
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What's the best part about being dead?
You don't have to worry about taxes anymore.
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Why don't skeletons use computers?
They don't have the processing power.
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I tried to write a dark joke about suicide.
But it was too depressing.
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What's the last thing a man sees before he dies?
His life flashing before his eyes, and then a pair of headlights.
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Why did the ghost go on a diet?
He wanted to become a phantom.
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I visited my friend's grave today.
I said, "You're still dead to me."
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What's a zombie's favorite meal?
Brains and no gravy.
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Why are vampires always cold?
Because they're dead inside.
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What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A hobgoblin.
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I told my friend I was dying.
He said, "Get in line."
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Why did the reaper get a parking ticket?
He left his scythe in a no-parking zone.
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What's the hardest part about being a skeleton?
Keeping your bones from chattering.
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I asked the undertaker for a discount.
He said, "I can't; it's a grave matter."
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My doctor said I have a terminal illness.
I said, "Give me the bad news first."
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Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend?
She just wasn't brainy enough.
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What's the difference between a funeral and a party?
At a funeral, you're expected to cry. At a party, you cry because you're alive.